There Once was a Girl…

When I was little girl, my heart was split in two. I was told to choose the right, listen to my mother, follow the prophet – and don’t go astray. I followed their instructions, their good little Christian soldier, until a darkness came over me. A fear I could not shake, a hatred for something beneath the surface, someone who was calling out.

I stumbled into myself, slowly.

I came out as gay at 12 years old. My family, loving, but deeply religious and conservative, decided the world was too dangerous, too tempting for someone like me, what I had become. So they removed me from school, and we uprooted into a trailer in the woods, in the shadow of the Devil Mountain. I was poorly educated, and hidden away, but I learned helpful things. I witnessed birth, and rebirth, and death beneath the mountain. I learned that the trees didn’t mind if I wore a dress, that I liked my hair longer, and that music could take me away to somewhere without pain. I wrote daily, my lyrics as company. I escaped to other worlds, until I really could. Miraculously, I tested out of homeschooling at 16, and started college the following spring. As I became more independent, eventually achieving my Eagle Rank in the LDS Boy Scouts, learning to drive, and meeting others outside of the religious community, I began to receive another education.

In my newfound freedom, the darkness in me cried out louder than ever before. So I took her hand, and called her up. Now she doesn’t have to hide beneath the surface, to keep her voice down. Now, more than the moon and the trees can hear her song, and know her rage, her pain, her pleasure, and her light.

I hope that these songs and stories will give you comfort, they did for me.

All My Love,

Christian &